Title: Skinner's Balcony (Walter's POV)
Email address: firstname.lastname@example.org
Warnings: This story contains explicit m/m sex. If these things bother you *GO AWAY NOW*
Archive: DitB, Slashing Mulder, RatB, SKSA, WWOMB. Others just ask.
Disclaimer: The characters of Skinner and Mulder, and Krycek, and the X-Files belong to Chris Carter, 1013 Productions and the Fox Network. No copyright Infringement is intended no money is being made.
Summary: Walter's memories of the balcony night. This is for you Ursula.
NOTE: This story is part of the Anniversary and Valentine's Day series. More to come (pun intended, you know how the boys are) Also in the series Boys Night Out, Christmas, Skinner's Balcony (Alex POV), First Time.
You've been my lover for a year now and I still look at you sometimes and remember the horrible thing I did. Fox suggested that it might be a good idea for me to write out my thoughts on that night as a way to resolve the issue once and for all. He knows how much trouble I have talking about emotions.
I know you have told me that you forgive me, that you don't see it as rape. I still do. Even if we don't call it rape, I still used you. I felt nothing but anger at you then. I owe you an apology for that.
When Fox brought you to me that night my temper flared. It wasn't all you. You just happened to be there in front of me and I needed to take it out on someone. So I gut punched you. When I put you on the balcony I intended to leave you there. Now I know it was more than wanting to punish you. I can't pretend that I had no plans to use you. If that were true I wouldn't have prepared the bed before I went back to the balcony.
I wanted Fox the first time I saw him. Don't think I've ever told you that I wanted you the same way. You looked so young, fresh, and naïve. Your suits were horrible and I hated your hair slicked back that way. But nothing could hide your beauty.
When you left my office that first time I went and jerked off in the bathroom. The two of you became my jerk off fantasies, both alone and together. Even then, I dreamed of having you both in my bed at the same time.
When you betrayed us, my waking fantasies of you ended. The wet dreams didn't.
So you were there and Fox had left. By then I knew they had whored you out. I knew a lot about you by that point. Spender had made it a point to tell me. I think he knew I was attracted to you.
Did he know you wanted me? Is that why he told me? Was he afraid that I would somehow try and save you?
When I opened the door that night I wasn't conscious of anything but wanting to pay you back. Fucking you would be a punishment that I could enjoy. It would kill two birds as the expression goes. I'd find out how close my dreams were to the reality.
Revenge is indeed a two edged sword. One that I cut myself with deeply.
I remember the look of fear in your eyes. How panicked you looked when I opened my pants. I thought you might try to fight me. But you accepted me. Gave me the best head I had ever had. Now I think it was more than training. From what you tell me you wanted me even if I was just using you.
As I shot down your throat I knew I wanted to be in your ass. Wanted the pleasure that can only be found in a tight ass. It had been a long time since I had enjoyed sex with someone. My fist had been my constant companion. Decided right then that I was already looking at a prison sentence so I might as well enjoy the whole package.
As I hauled you up the stairs my cock was already hardening again. I couldn't believe that. I really thought it would take awhile for me to get ready to take you again. Take, yeah, right. The word is rape. There is no getting around it. I raped you. A man that I loved even then, I just couldn't admit it. You had betrayed me. I know I had no right to see it that way but I did.
My feelings for you and Fox were so confused then. I had been married. I couldn't, shouldn't want to fuck two men. No matter how beautiful you both are. That was compounded with the fact that I was raised in a very homophobia time and place. I had told myself that what happened in Nam was just the stress of war and the drugs I was taking to get through it. But even then I knew better. I obviously function with women but I soar when I'm with you and Fox.
So I threw you on my bed and I raped you. I told myself that it wasn't so bad. I made you come after all and you didn't run from me the minute you were loose. But I couldn't forget the blood on my sheets when I changed them. Couldn't forget the haunted look in your eyes when you came down the steps that morning.
That's the real reason I didn't send Fox and Scully after you when you brought me back from death. I deserved to be punished for what I did to you. I still deserve to be.
I wondered why you didn't use what I had done against me. Just as I wondered why you were helping us. Fox says that you looked at me with a *lost little boy* look. I guess I misinterpreted that look.
I do know that once I was inside you I couldn't have stopped. Fox hadn't become my lover yet, so you were the first man I had been with since Nam. My body remembered what to do. You were so hot and tight. The pleasure shot through me like a drug.
I don't know if you knew then that you were moaning, whimpering, sighing. I know now that you react one of two ways during sex. I love both. That night the sounds coming from you were intoxicating. Singing through me, each whimper making me harder. Every sigh sending a shiver down my spine. The moans inflaming me.
Have I ever told you what your voice does to me? When you call me at work I get an instant hard-on. Do you even realize that you talk to me differently now? That night I heard my future.
So I pretended to myself that you wanted me. I know your body reacted to what was happening, not to me. But I wished it was mutual, knowing it wasn't made me want to force you to come. Even that was a violation.
Then in the morning I was inside you before I was totally awake. I was still floating in my dreams when the alarm went off. You were under me so warm, smelling of sex and the smell that is just Alex. I could pick you out of a crowd by your scent alone, you know.
My cock swelled and I wanted you, needed you. So I took you. Still too deep in my dream world to stop for a condom. You know how I hate the damn things but had I been more aware I would have protected you. I mean I knew I was clean but it wasn't right to give you more to worry about. Later I would tell myself that you deserved to worry because of the things you had done. But I didn't really believe that.
I want you to know that night haunted my dreams until you became a part of my life. All the times I saw you after that I wanted to apologize. Beg you to forgive me.
The reality of you was so much better than my fantasies. That's what I mean by cutting myself on the sword. Having you, made me want you more.
Again I want to tell you how sorry I am. That I would undo it if I could. I am so proud that you love me. That you want me. No man has ever been luckier than I am.
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